


How NOT to Sleep on the Couch - By Lucifer

by PetrichorPerfume



Series: Shenanigans [11]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Couches, Crack, Crying Lucifer, Five Steps, M/M, Multi, Or More accurately how not to, Sleeping on the couch, how to, instructions, more specifically how not to sleep on the couch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-19
Updated: 2014-07-19
Packaged: 2018-02-09 11:35:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1981407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PetrichorPerfume/pseuds/PetrichorPerfume
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So YOU’RE looking to avoid sleeping on the couch tonight. I get it. Maybe you’re a reformed personification of evil and you slip up an insult entire species sometimes. Or maybe you’re just too good at sex and it’s overwhelming to your partner(s). Maybe you’re just too handsome. Maybe your partner sends you to the couch for no reason whatsoever. No matter why you’re looking to avoid the Couch of Doom, following these five easy steps will get you back into your loved one’s bed (and hopefully their pants, too) in no time at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How NOT to Sleep on the Couch - By Lucifer

** How NOT to Sleep on the Couch – By Lucifer **

 

 

So YOU’RE looking to avoid sleeping on the couch tonight. I get it. Maybe you’re a reformed personification of evil and you slip up an insult entire species sometimes. Or maybe you’re just too good at sex and it’s overwhelming to your partner(s). Maybe you’re just too handsome. Maybe your partner sends you to the couch for no reason whatsoever. No matter why you’re looking to avoid the Couch of Doom, following these five easy steps will get you back into your loved one’s bed (and hopefully their pants, too) in no time at all.

 

EDIT: This method may or may not take up to five days.

 

 

You Will Need:

 

  *       A mate, a boyfriend, a husband, a wife, a girlfriend, a life-partner, or someone you are romantically or sexually involved with and dwelling with. (The last part is important, because if you live alone, Step One would read: Don’t sleep on the fucking couch, moron!)
  *       A couch (Hopefully we won’t be needing this.)
  *       Some supplies for the couch, like blankets and pillows (Hopefully we won’t be needing these either.)
  *       A bed (This is your goal.)
  *       A charming smile
  *       Massage oil (optional)
  *       It’s also a major plus to be a powerful celestial being capable of creating anything you wish to create at will, but not strictly necessary.



 

 

Warnings: 

 

  *       Please use discretion while following these tips.
  *       It is possible that your partners are just meanie-weenies who will force you to sleep on the couch no matter what you do. (Like Sam.)



 

 

Procedure: 

 

**Step One: DON’T insult their species.**

 

“I’ve been thinking... Humans are a lot like roses, aren’t they?” Lucifer gives Sam his best charming smile.

 

Sam gives Lucifer a wary look. “Um... Why?”

 

“Because they’re so beautiful and they just keep growing and growing and growing.”

 

“Couch,” Sam says.

 

Lucifer whines. “What did I do now?”

 

“Next time, try comparing me to a flower that doesn’t have thorns.”

 

 

**Step Two: Turn the charm up to reasonable levels. I repeat, reasonable levels. Also, levels that have nothing to do with their brothers.**

 

Lucifer leers at Sam. “Wanna take a trip in the backseat of my Impala?” He asks huskily.

 

“Dude, gross.”

 

“Perhaps you’d prefer to take a ride on my popsicle stick.” Lucifer rips off his shirt and winks.

 

“Ugh, stop with the bad metaphors.”

 

Lucifer snaps and the milkshake song comes on. “Maybe you’d like to take a sip of my milkshake,” he offers as he sultrily pulls down his pants.

 

Michael pops into the room. “Lulu, Dean told me to tell you that you’re sleeping on the couch for playing the milkshake song.”

 

“What? He doesn’t... He’s not even... _Whatever_! See if I care!”

 

 

**Step Three: If you have another partner at your disposal, try to enlist their help IF and ONLY IF they give a fuck about you.**

 

“Gabe, don’t you miss sleeping with me at night?” Lucifer asks as he plops himself down on Gabriel’s lap.

 

“Not really. Honestly, it just means more sex for me.”

 

“But Gabe, I can do things Sam can’t! Like how I make my mouth vibrate for you and how I don’t have a gag reflex so I give the best blowjobs,” he says innocently.

 

“Yeah, not so much anymore. I can make Sam’s mouth do the same thing.”

 

“But! But! You’ve known me longer.”

 

Gabriel smirks at him. “Which just means I’ve had longer to get acquainted with your most annoying attributes and therefore cherish a break from them.”

 

“But! You love me more!”

 

“I don’t play favorites.”

 

“Please, Gabe, just tell Sam to let me sleep with you tonight! Please! Or do something so he tells you to sleep on the couch so I’m not so lonely!”

 

“I don’t think so.”

 

**Step Four: Offer to give you partner a massage, then stick to appropriate areas of their body like their shoulders, their upper back, and their feet. Unless they have a foot fetish, in which case stick to their feet exclusively.**

 

“Hey, Sammy-poo! How would you like a massage?”

 

Sam smiles up at him. “That’s very thoughtful of you, Lucifer. I’d love one.” He lays down on his stomach and sighs as Lucifer starts rubbing his back. “This is nice.”

 

“It’s about to get a whole lot nicer,” Lucifer whispers and gropes Sam’s butt.

 

Sam jumps up. “Luce! Can’t you do anything nice for me without trying to get in my pants? I feel so objectified! Couch!”

 

“But, Sammmmmmmm~”

 

“I don’t want to hear it.”

 

 

**Step Five: If all else fails, cry.**

 

Lucifer starts to sob. “T-this is the f-fifth time in a r-row! I’m so lonely, Sammy! I haven’t been cuddled in so long and you haven’t even given me a h-hug since the day before yesterday!” He sits down and starts to weep. “Why don’t you love me anymore?”

 

“Oh, Luce, don’t cry,” Sam soothes as he rubs gentle circles over Lucifer’s back. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I didn’t realize how lonely you were. You can sleep with us tonight, okay? Just stop crying, please.”

 

Lucifer sniffles and looks up at Sam. “You... You mean it?”

 

Sam nods and pulls Lucifer into a tight hug. “You precious little thing! I’m so sorry, Luce! I’ll make it up to you by cuddling you for the rest of the day!”

 

Lucifer hides a secret smile and fakes another sniffle. “R-really? Y-you’d d-do that?”

 

Sam nods and kisses his forehead. “Now no more tears, baby. You know I hate to see you cry.”

 

Lucifer nods and sniffles a little more before he lets himself stop crying. “L-love you, Sam.”

 

“Love you too, Luce.”


End file.
